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In Your Silence, I’ve Heard You

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by Toyin Toni


Your silence drags
Across my spirit, my heart, and my body
At slow pace, in parts as sharp as lightning and drops of flame
I miss you
I know, I know
They told me to forget you
I’m working on it, I’m working on it
It’s easier said than done
When you torment my dreams
And in my waking hours
I feel like I’m in a daydream
Until it’s at that hour, the witching one
And I reach to touch you
And I realize, it’s just a nightmare
A mirage, you weren’t really there
Your silence is loud, it’s clear
It’s clear like a sunlit day
As loud as the beat of my heart
In your silence, I’ve heard you
In your silence, this disquiet grew under
I wonder. What was it that happened?
I suppose that’s rhetoric really
Because I should have known
That fuck was a fluke
I lay here and I’m wondering
Why I want you
When I know you don’t want me for certain
I lay here and I’m wondering
Why you sought me out to begin with
I lay here and I’m wondering
Do you miss me?
I lay here and I’m wondering
Does he even care?
I lay here and I know
All of the answers
No
Why I ask, I don’t know
I suppose to answer the questions I’ve posed to myself

They say I should forget you
And I’m working on this
They say I should forget you
I’m not sure where to begin
They say I should forget you
But each time I fall asleep, I see you
They say I should forget you
But my waking hours are like a nightmare
They say I should forget you
I think they are right
They say I should forget you
And as Ogun bears witness
I will someday soon
Someday soon, this will be a distant memory
Someday soon
I won’t wake up and want to reach for you
Someday soon, you won’t haunt my dreams
Someday soon, I won’t cry like yesterday
Someday soon

I wish I could say I hate you, but I don’t
I just miss you
I miss the sound of your laughter
I miss our talks about all and nothing
I miss the hugs unexpected, welcomed, and returned
I miss your kisses down my spine
I miss your fingers tracing goose-pimpled maps
Across every single part of me
I miss your frown whilst deep in thought
I miss your smile
I miss your intensity of spirit
I miss your playfulness
I miss your seriousness too
And I know you won’t be back
Frankly, I doubt I want you back
No, not really
But still, I miss you

They said I should forget you
I know they are right
They said I should forget you
I’m trying
They said I should forget you
I know they are right
They said I should forget you
I’m working on it, I’m working on it
This silence
Dragging across the entirety of me at snail speed
Boulder like silence, trying to fit into my chest
That hurts the most
And I heard you, in your silence
I’ve heard you
It’s over.

Photo credit: Deposit Photos


Toyin is a Nigerian-born young woman living in London. She began writing at age 7. When not working in media, she models and writes. She also loves to dance and knit. She is currently working on a collection of short stories and other poems. Follow her on Twitter (@simplytoyin) and her blog: http://justsimplytee.blogspot.co.uk/.

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