by Hanna Ali
At night, they gather in the wide-open space of my forehead
The elderly resting on each eyebrow, toddlers hiding behind my earlobes
They’re all waiting for me to fail
Waiting for me to unbecome the person that we all agreed that I should be
(Prettier, quieter, less of myself)
They gather for a close-up of mistakes
Things like: falling in love with the wrong man or
Disappointing my parents or
Waiting for my parents to disappoint me or
Forgetting who I really am, where I’m really from, over there and not here
I hear them sucking their teeth inside my mind, mixing languages and
Causing confusion by yelling over one another, the elders demanding respect
Whilst the young bachelors sneak in a few looks
They’re all trying to out-do each other’s high notes
Sometimes I stay quiet for days, eavesdropping on the little women
The ones that enjoy tangling my hair and making art out of my weight
There’s an entire village that lives on top of my head
I can’t drown them out in the bath
I shaved my head one summer and it only made it easier for the children to run
Sometimes I hold my breath just to see if they lose oxygen
Bleeding makes no difference either, just more scars to count
So, I learn to behave, to speak when I am spoken to
And to keep my body so clean that there is nothing to gossip about
If you see me mumbling, it’s only tell them to be quiet because I am a good girl
It took a village to drag my sins out into the open
On the tip of my nose where a bonfire was set and little girls ran circles around the shame
At night, the ashes were used to mark all the places that still hurt
In the morning, this is a map of how far we’ve come
Me and the village that lives on top of my head
Hanna Ali is a PhD candidate in SOAS where she specialises in African Identity; a theme that features heavily in her creative writing. A former child refugee and a full-time citizen-of-the-world, her writings are concerned with unpacking what it means to be lost. She was recently short listed for the London Short Story Prize 2016. www.hannaali.com @HannaAli