by Tikeetha Thomas
Many months of dating and sexing
but no commitment came
I wanted more
You cringed at the thought that you would have to share your heart
I walked away
Knowing and believing that I deserved more than a fleeting kiss
With an occasional promise of something more
“Stay with me,” you asked
“Let me please you, baby,” you begged
“Let’s not define the undefinable and exist where we are,” you said
“Don’t worry about the others,” you whispered
“Just focus on us,” you urged
I did
I tried
I focused on trying to change you
To make you into the man that would love only me
To show and prove that I was a down ass chick
Who would be your ride or die
Never leave your side girl
Your homie/lover and your friend
I succumbed to the passion
And pushed more to the back of my mind
Why?
Because more didn’t matter
I was going to live in the present
Smile
Enjoy it
Booty calls, occasional dates, and pillow talk
That was something right?
It was better than more
But more kept pushing and fighting for freedom
More didn’t like the space it was being confined to
More wanted to run wild and yell
More wanted to hold hands in public
More wanted to go to your house of worship and praise
More wanted to meet your family and friends
More wanted to define the terms of our relationship
More wanted to update its Facebook status
More wanted to be unleashed
More broke out
I ran crying because I couldn’t put more back
I stood there shaking because more demanded
We have a talk
More told me that
I deserve more
I have to choose me
More said I have to leave
More said I can’t stay being the supporting actress
When I was born to play the lead
So I listened to more
I left you
I am alone
But you know what?
More was right
I’m happy
In this place of peace
No ambiguity
No confusion
No heartbreak
No tears
No yelling
No screaming
No demanding
No convincing required
Nothing to prove
Because in this space where you don’t exist
I found more
Photo credit: Deposit Photos
Tikeetha Thomas is a full-time working mom with a six-year-old son who is the apple of her eye. She resides in Maryland. When she is not working and catering to her little boy, she is busy working on her first novel. You can follow her on Twitter (@MsKeeInMD) or read more about her life at her blog: www.athomaspointofview.com.
